We probably kind of get it...but maybe not really at all.

Following up to yesterday's post...the little 5 year old "miss" and her parents are just beginning their journey. A road God has called them to walk, except for the days when they will barely feel like crawling, and the days He will give them the joy and peace to dance. Their path, named by the Oncologist...Cancer. I can only imagine the myriad of emotions. The questions, the uncertainty, the fear. No amount of faith, and their's is the mountain moving size, no amount of faith removes our humanness. We were created to feel, to love and to grieve, not be immune. We are called to "cast our cares on Him" not cast them aside. We also know that "God has plans for us...prospering plans, not harmful plans" so how on earth do we reconcile cancer and a 5 year old?

The Sacrificial Life...do we get it?
And if we did, would we be willing?
Would we still choose it, choose Him if we knew what might lie ahead?
Is He worth it only to a point and will we turn back given something as extreme as the life of our child? Or is He really who He says he is, loving and "for" us, no matter what the circumstances look like? And what if what He says is true, that this life is just a minute in time, compared to eternity?

What on earth could God be planning to accomplish that justifies the toll that chemotherapy will take on a body that still requires a car seat?

Admittedly today, I only have questions...lots of them and no answers. Lucky for all of us, God trusts me with an inquiring mind only and no responsibility to figure His stuff out.

We could drown in what ifs. Except that what if's bring so much hope. So this morning before my eyes even knew if it was day or still night, and I began praying, my pleas went from the family to so many possible what ifs.

What if this mother's devastation brings an answer to another mother's prayer? What if the nurse's mom has been on her knees for years praying that someone would cross her daughter's path that could speak what she has been begging God for all these years?

What if two weeks of kindergarten has endeared an entire school full of children, parents and teachers to this sweet child so that in following her illness and recovery they all get to watch God work first hand?

What if watching these parents faithfully carry their child through the torture of treatment is the final witness to a family member that has questioned and wondered who God really is?

What if the parents of the child in the next bed, hear and see the troops of friends and church family earnestly praying and encouraging this family in a way that they see the real hope of God? What if they say "we want that peace and hope for our family and the strength you have for our child?"

What if some guy somewhere has been watching this pastor, this leader, who has been so gifted by God, and thinking "well, ya, you can serve and follow a God that has given you so much success, but what now?" and he witnesses first hand, how loving God has nothing to do with how well things look like they are going?

So what if all those things happen as a result? What if it was all that and so much more, that we can't even imagine how many things were accomplished?

Would we be in it for all that? If we knew, could get all the reports and updates? If everytime, we held that tiny hand through another round of chemo, we would be hearing about all the lives that were changed through our family's tragedy? Would we say yes, I'm in, ok? Lives are changed, she gets better and on we go.

What if we knew about only one man. Some sort of hopeless, grouchy, ex-con kind of angry, selfish, guy with a past we wouldn't even want to read about? What if that was the guy our child's suffering would change?

What if the Sacrificial Life we say we believe in and are committed to meant really sacrificing, giving up something so precious, we'd rather die ourselves than live without it or...her?

What if the "greater love" we claim to know, that suggests "we lay down our life for a friend", actually looks like laying down our comfort, security, or the health of a child...then what? Am I still in? Do I still believe Him? Not just IN Him, but believe Him, that he knows best, that he is accomplishing His will, that "all things do work together for good"? Or is my commitment conditional...as long as things are pretty much ok, pretty much most of the time.

Here's the rub, we don't get to choose what happens, just how we respond. This little Miss didn't raise her hand and volunteer for God to use her to accomplish his will. Her parents didn't sign up for such a sacrifice, clearly it would have been their own names on the list, not their baby. We don't get to choose the circumstance, we GET to choose to stay in, plant our feet in cement and call it faith, refuse to think anything other than He KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING.

There's only One who volunteered His child's suffering and death for the most wretched among us, or in us. Only one who chose it...to watch His son's body be broken for the sake of the unworthy.

Chose it, both of them. A child's body beaten, a parent suffering.

Just to give us the chance to understand what real love is, who real love is.

The sacrifical life...we cringe at giving up so much less, its embarrassing. At times, we give up some of the questionable or forbidden and call that sacrifice. Sometimes, we make a meal for someone, hand over $5 or $10 to a cause or a mom standing on the corner and think sacrifice. We give up an hour to comfort a friend, help someone with a project, work in a Sunday School class. Loving, giving, serving...yes...sacrifice? "Take up your cross and follow", sacrifice? "Sell all your belongings and come with Me", sacrifice? Does it hurt, sacrifice?

Use my life in whatever way you desire, Lord, sacrifice? I'm in, sacrifice? Whatever the cost, sacrifice? "I'm sacred to death", sacrifice?

Sacrifice.....
I think we probably kind of get it...but maybe not really at all.

And the world just stops...

Two families,
one son whose age is still counted in months,
one daughter whose age can be counted on her one tiny hand.

Two mommies,
two daddies,
two doctors,
two hospitals,
two cities in
two counties.

Same thoughts,
same fears,
same prayers,
same tears,
same smiling face for their child,
same weak knees outside the room,
same locked down position at the bedside, just waiting.

Today I heard about these two families. The first already has a diagnosis of cancer, kidney, tumor, surgery. The second story is just unfolding. No diagnosis yet, but ugly xrays, and suspicions and a specialist on his way.

What on earth could be more heart stopping than someone telling you, or suggesting to you that your child...tender, vulnerable, and fragile is sick? Really sick. Sick where you are given percentages, sick. Sick in a way you don't know how to describe or explain it to them sick. Sick in a way that you are desperate to deny. Sick in a way that threatens to destroy you at any moment, except that though it would be easier to give in to being destroyed you are like feet-in-cement standing so that your baby can feel the strength when she holds your hand and looks into your face.

And parents have it, all that strength, because its what we do, come up with every last ounce of life if that's what it takes...for their child. Because everything else falls away. All the pressures and daily parts of life, the cell phone calls, text messages, emails, work demands, food, money......suddenly powerless, meaningless, gone.

The world just stops...

But...God watches. He knows. He's moving. He's acting. He's orchestrating. He's planning. He's been preparing. He's not surprised. He was not caught off guard...No, He is "On" Guard.

The world may have stopped, but heaven is in full motion. He is not just acting. His heart is full of compassion. His mind has full knowledge. He is acting according to His will and His will alone. No one and nothing messes with the kingdom without His understanding and permission. There is no wolf in sheep's clothing to Him. No one is left unprotected. He is mighty enough, strong enough, knowing enough, and loving enough to battle any enemy that threatens. I don't care what its name is, what percentages are attached to it, what the past has said or what the future predicts...HE IS STRONGER. Because HE IS the I AM.

HE IS MORE AMAZING, MORE POWERFUL, MORE WONDERFUL and will, even more so than these parents, summon ALL THE STRENGTH He needs to BE STRENGTH so that when those parents, HIS children, grab for HIS hand to feel strength and look to HIS face to see hope...THEY WILL FIND IT AND NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!

Their worlds have stopped today. Don't let yours. Pray without ceasing for the healing of two of His favorites.

I'm praying for better vision...

A couple of weeks ago I got a call to help a friend that needed a ride to San Bernadino to pick up her daughter at camp. A bee sting on the foot caused an allergic reaction and she needed to come home early and have a doctor check it. This mother-daughter family doesn't own a car, nor a driver's license and even though our language of choice is different, we decided to make the best of our 2 hour drive by practicing each other's native tongue.

I took Spanish in middle school and I am marginally ok with nouns, but verbs or other words that connect nouns into meaningful communication...not so much. And though she is taking lessons, I think she would say the same about her English attempts. But we are women so we couldn't be in the car for more than 1/2 block before we would have to engage in some communication...blame the estrogen, women just need to talk.

D got that little navigation gadget for xmas and it was in my glove box and I remembered it had a language setting, sometime after I tried to tell her that Burbank was a city, a street & an airport because I guess its really important to totally confuse someone with the English language while they are still trying to pronounce Burbank. Anyway, I pulled GPS and yes while driving in traffic, I set it up so she could see our journey and track the progress. I set it to hear the voice and with each instruction she heard in Spanish, I ask her what it was in English. We got the giggles off and on when she would be trying to tell me and the offramp or freeway or street was coming up really soon and I would say "ondelay!!!" (yes I know that is barely even phonetically right, but middle school was a LONG time ago.)

During the few quiet times in our conversations I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I had the time that day to drop whatever paintbrush I was holding and be able to take her. I felt so privileged and humbled that she had someone call me. That somehow even though we see each other only a few times a year, and our language barriers make it difficult to have any real heart-to-hearts, she has come to trust me and actually accept help when she needs it. I was also very aware that I was driving this sweet woman, who had only about 5 hangers worth of clothes in her closet the last time she showed me around, in my "more-than-a-mode of transportation" style of car.

She seemed so completely unaware of our differences. From the first time I met her, on the verge of homelessness, she would say "muy contente" with the most precious smile. She knows our material lives are far from similar, the responsibility to manage what she owns and make decisions about where to spend her income probably takes very little time or concern. Her hours at the maid service have been cut by about 25-30%, but that report comes with a smile, not fear, and certainly with no expectations for help. She just believes. Faith...God will provide and take care of them, just as he has all along.

So the longer we drove and talked, the more she reported all the wonderful things that God has done for them and continues to do for them. One blessing after another, complete with a recent miraculous healing of her arm from an injury she suffered slipping on the ice as a teenager.

We were able to find the camp and pick up one of the sweetest girl's I will ever meet, her daughter. We heard a camper's report most of the way home, but one story brought me to tears.

After the bee sting on day #2 at camp, it was obvious that a sever reaction was taking place and that there would be no walking on this foot. Another girl from their church appointed herself, best friend, nurse, run-and-get, and a stick-right-to-her attendant. As it turns out, the two girls knew each other before they went to camp.

Then I heard the story of how she earned her way to camp. Selling cookies. Now I know kids sell cookies for scouts and prepackaged cookie dough and candy bars in fundraising assortment boxes. This child, made cookies at home, put them on paper plates and sold them to people at church. Not a table set up, but just walking around selling home make cookies by the plate. Camp cost $150.00 and she earned all her money in 2 days! The story included this line "God was so good to multiply her money and help her that it only took 2 days".

I am so spoiled. So spoiled and yet I lack. The more we have the less we need. The less we need, the less we see all that God does in our lives. This family just celebrates from one blessing to the next. Never doubting, always seeing, so impressed and excited with all God does around them. And my heart begins to grieve for all that I have missed. All the stuff that gets in the way of my need to depend on a God that has promised to supply and fulfilled every promise, yet I see my own efforts or the balance in my checkbook, or the more-than-transportation car in the garage. What have I missed?

My tears spilled and I think they both thought I was just a little bit crazy when I choked out "Having little is a blessing. A place that God's hand is so obvious. Having much masks Him." He is not masked, but things and comfort muddies my perspective and I think I have missed out. Living in faith to the extent that they must, would be difficult for me I know, but the joy they experience as they see God care for them, and are thrilled every day by His gifts and creativity, that kind of joy is worth a prayer for clearer vision.
So two women, different lives, different languages...and the one who thought she was taking care of the other by driving the distance, ends up getting the better gift that day. A chance to see a huge God in the lives of a tiny family. And the tendency now to remember to pray for better vision...

Isaiah 41:20 "so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.