Perhaps for this day...

Perhaps it was for this day....that you were such a girly girl, playing with headbands and barretts and dress up shoes

Perhaps it was for this day...you let your rebellion be known in a Spanish class, telling us you weren't planning on college anyway


Perhaps it was for this day...you have always been drawn to small suffering bald headed children


Perhaps it was for this day...you had to deal with people's raised eyebrows when you chose going to beauty school instead of college


Perhaps it was for this day...you drove 3 hours every day to Santa Monica to cosmetology school


Perhaps is was for this day...you met a young man who took you to a church called Reality where you would meet this child


Perhaps it was for this day...you unexpectedly became a young family drawing you into relationship with these other young families, one who had this child


Perhaps it was for this day...that your own pain has tendered your heart into one so sensitive to His leading


Perhaps it is for this day...you have been born....to serve another....with courage and tenderness...to serve this child

Perhaps on this day, all that has come before, makes some sense and brings worth and hints of a higher plan by a Higher Planner, for this child.


Perhaps for this day...

We probably kind of get it...but maybe not really at all.

Following up to yesterday's post...the little 5 year old "miss" and her parents are just beginning their journey. A road God has called them to walk, except for the days when they will barely feel like crawling, and the days He will give them the joy and peace to dance. Their path, named by the Oncologist...Cancer. I can only imagine the myriad of emotions. The questions, the uncertainty, the fear. No amount of faith, and their's is the mountain moving size, no amount of faith removes our humanness. We were created to feel, to love and to grieve, not be immune. We are called to "cast our cares on Him" not cast them aside. We also know that "God has plans for us...prospering plans, not harmful plans" so how on earth do we reconcile cancer and a 5 year old?

The Sacrificial Life...do we get it?
And if we did, would we be willing?
Would we still choose it, choose Him if we knew what might lie ahead?
Is He worth it only to a point and will we turn back given something as extreme as the life of our child? Or is He really who He says he is, loving and "for" us, no matter what the circumstances look like? And what if what He says is true, that this life is just a minute in time, compared to eternity?

What on earth could God be planning to accomplish that justifies the toll that chemotherapy will take on a body that still requires a car seat?

Admittedly today, I only have questions...lots of them and no answers. Lucky for all of us, God trusts me with an inquiring mind only and no responsibility to figure His stuff out.

We could drown in what ifs. Except that what if's bring so much hope. So this morning before my eyes even knew if it was day or still night, and I began praying, my pleas went from the family to so many possible what ifs.

What if this mother's devastation brings an answer to another mother's prayer? What if the nurse's mom has been on her knees for years praying that someone would cross her daughter's path that could speak what she has been begging God for all these years?

What if two weeks of kindergarten has endeared an entire school full of children, parents and teachers to this sweet child so that in following her illness and recovery they all get to watch God work first hand?

What if watching these parents faithfully carry their child through the torture of treatment is the final witness to a family member that has questioned and wondered who God really is?

What if the parents of the child in the next bed, hear and see the troops of friends and church family earnestly praying and encouraging this family in a way that they see the real hope of God? What if they say "we want that peace and hope for our family and the strength you have for our child?"

What if some guy somewhere has been watching this pastor, this leader, who has been so gifted by God, and thinking "well, ya, you can serve and follow a God that has given you so much success, but what now?" and he witnesses first hand, how loving God has nothing to do with how well things look like they are going?

So what if all those things happen as a result? What if it was all that and so much more, that we can't even imagine how many things were accomplished?

Would we be in it for all that? If we knew, could get all the reports and updates? If everytime, we held that tiny hand through another round of chemo, we would be hearing about all the lives that were changed through our family's tragedy? Would we say yes, I'm in, ok? Lives are changed, she gets better and on we go.

What if we knew about only one man. Some sort of hopeless, grouchy, ex-con kind of angry, selfish, guy with a past we wouldn't even want to read about? What if that was the guy our child's suffering would change?

What if the Sacrificial Life we say we believe in and are committed to meant really sacrificing, giving up something so precious, we'd rather die ourselves than live without it or...her?

What if the "greater love" we claim to know, that suggests "we lay down our life for a friend", actually looks like laying down our comfort, security, or the health of a child...then what? Am I still in? Do I still believe Him? Not just IN Him, but believe Him, that he knows best, that he is accomplishing His will, that "all things do work together for good"? Or is my commitment conditional...as long as things are pretty much ok, pretty much most of the time.

Here's the rub, we don't get to choose what happens, just how we respond. This little Miss didn't raise her hand and volunteer for God to use her to accomplish his will. Her parents didn't sign up for such a sacrifice, clearly it would have been their own names on the list, not their baby. We don't get to choose the circumstance, we GET to choose to stay in, plant our feet in cement and call it faith, refuse to think anything other than He KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING.

There's only One who volunteered His child's suffering and death for the most wretched among us, or in us. Only one who chose it...to watch His son's body be broken for the sake of the unworthy.

Chose it, both of them. A child's body beaten, a parent suffering.

Just to give us the chance to understand what real love is, who real love is.

The sacrifical life...we cringe at giving up so much less, its embarrassing. At times, we give up some of the questionable or forbidden and call that sacrifice. Sometimes, we make a meal for someone, hand over $5 or $10 to a cause or a mom standing on the corner and think sacrifice. We give up an hour to comfort a friend, help someone with a project, work in a Sunday School class. Loving, giving, serving...yes...sacrifice? "Take up your cross and follow", sacrifice? "Sell all your belongings and come with Me", sacrifice? Does it hurt, sacrifice?

Use my life in whatever way you desire, Lord, sacrifice? I'm in, sacrifice? Whatever the cost, sacrifice? "I'm sacred to death", sacrifice?

Sacrifice.....
I think we probably kind of get it...but maybe not really at all.

How can he help it?

I try to leave most postings and stories about the Deeds to his mom. I try to be good that way. Try to pretend that there are important and meaningful things in my life apart from him. Try to pretend that he is the center of his momma's universe, but you know that I have other interests and purpose now that my kids are grown. Try to pretend that he is not really the first of a very large group of perfect angels that will call us papa and dd.

I try to pretend for the sake of boundaries and all. I had no idea how grandchildren would change me. Melt me, thrill me, undo me, and unlock something inside that is more fun than well...anything.

Have no fear my sons, this one has only started something that makes us more anxious for the next and the next and the next and remember I told you that you needed to average 3 each. I believe your own plans aside, that is completely reasonable.

Here is the thing with grandparenting compared to parenting. As parents you have a responsibility to behave in a manner that is responsible and worthy of obediance and respect and you must be firm about teeth brushing and shots at the doctor and sunscreen and making them go to bed on time and all of those things that will grow them into wonderful adults that will give you GRANDCHILDREN!

BUT, this grandchild has begun the undoing of all undoings. He makes me forget all things adult and sends my heart into the pursuit of childhood fun, adventure and carefree abandon. Fort building, sand surfing, face painting, playdoh, sharky the shark, legos, jelly beans in my pockets and hide and seek. I don't want to just help him with whatever it is, I want to play right along with him. My greatest challenge ensues when he is anywhere in the vicinity and I cannot just drop everything to be a 3 year old right along with him. It is a triple dang situation and I reserve the triple dang for something
just short of 911 just so you understand the severity of the challenge.

Anyway...all that to say that lately I have noticed the Deeds wants little to do with having his picture taken. Just no patience for the whole sit down, or smile or whatever. Its like he is 3 months old again and I am jumping around like a fool trying to surprise him into a smile as hard as he tries not to comply. But to his credit, he doesn't necessarily turn away, just wants to use the moment to reveal one of his other moods, because at 3 he clearly has other moods.

When I looked at our recent camping pictures I noticed that he isn't the only one with other moods. So, possibly it is a DNA thing that has taken over and he just can't fight the urge to display his hereditary gift!

So here's to grandchildren and funny faces. Consider me undone and I plan to stay that way for a good long time!