Don't you just know God's got a list like that for me, the latest thing he's working on. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just a little bipolar in my relationship with him... there are days that are higher than high and I could say "yes" to anything and days when, with my eyes closed, I want to lift just one finger to his suggestion and ask "could ya hold that thought till I feel like it?"
Hindsight can show some mighty amazing happenings in the heavenlies. Last week about this time, I wanted to quit...well, most everything. At least the things that were causing conflict and pain. Without all the gorey details, let me just say that volunteering for or agreeing to anything ministry-related was the last thing I wanted to do.
Someone spoke two lines to me last week that I will fight for a long time. "You have no right to be a Bible Study leader" & "Your work in ministry gives brings you credit or accolades" (I think that meant I do it for my own glory & attention). Though these words came from a person, flesh and blood to begin with, the enemy has used those statements to grind me to an emotional halt.
Just ouch... I can't even tell you that is what was said exactly, but given the option, I feel things in the most critical way possible. Because who can do a better job of beating me up than, well, me.
On the other side of my world...
an opportunity to go Uganda in 2010 with a team that trains pastor's and ministers to women and children. Like a dream come true...even recently expressed publicly, I could go to a place my heart has always been drawn to, where my Compassion child lives, serving God without any fluff. Gettin' down and dirty to the heart of loving, serving and ministering to a people hungry to even hold a bible. Um hm...my kind of people, my kind of place, a God sized opportunity.
BUT...I was wounded, deeply, for seizing these kind of opportunities.
Wounded where I am most vulnerable, my aching to serve the One that pulled me out of the gutter and set me back on my feet.
I am reading a book with a couple of girlfriends. "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson.
LIFE CHANGING book about surviving and thriving when opportunity roars.
So here I was with a mightly roaring...all excited by the possibility, yet two statements haunt me "You have no right ... & your motives are selfish".
Whew, is that a battle!...truth or lies? me or You? safety or risk? stay or go?
I believe scripture when it talks about the Holy Spirit's job of testifying to the truth. So I wore those statements like a heavy cloak while praying for Him to reveal to me where my thoughts, motives, and desire to serve him fall short of glorifying Him. Where my excitement and enthusiasm serve me rather than others, when I am moving ahead on my own path rather than His, leading others when maybe I should only follow.
So God and I spent some time and tears wrestling through truth and lies. Afterwards, I got to humbly take the cloak off. Corrections noted, throw my hands in the air and feel the freedom again, that I am set free to experience and use for His cause.
Against, my protective instincts, I believe I choose to walk on.
I believe Uganda will probably put another target on my back if someone doesn't understand, but if my savior can carry the cross on his and take the beating he did for me, I believe I can take a few correcting lashes for Him.
Thank you, Lord, for keeping me on your project list. Corrections noted, humbly bowed, can't wait for Uganda.
Two decades later
12 hours ago