2009 ended with so much family time and fun. Christmas and a subsequent vacation to the snow. I had set my mind and schedule on being so intentional about the month of December and have so many great memories of it all and by New Year's eve, my heart was overflowing. Everyone made the most of the Pitcher's time home from Oklahoma and we spent many hours playing a new favorite family game. Time, time and more time with my favorite people in the world.
We had gotten some difficult news mid-December, but honestly with all the fortitude we could muster we were able to call on our favorite coping technique "denial" and resisted facing it head on until after the holidays.
Then the day came...The Pitcher left to go back to the mid west, my house, though clean and put back together looks lonesome and empty without the red and green and sparkles and with all the distractions of parties, baking, wrapping, packing etc... gone...the inevitable began digging its nails into me.
DEPRESSION, not the sadness kind, the "I have no motivation to do anything but mope around or curl up in a blanket and take a nap until life is fun again" kind. The reality of December's news could change the whole direction of our lives and we have no control over or choice in that.
I'm not trying to tease here, it's just really not possible to lay it all out just yet. The point is, it is out of our control, but within God's and yet, I fret. I tried eating my way through one day, trying to satisfy something inside and woke up with so much nutritional regret, I needed to take a picture to remind myself there isn't enough junk in the universe to make me feel better.
Yep, truth...24 hours worth of self medicating. So me fretting? I'm a half-full girl, infact I border on 3/4's most of the time. I'm not normally a fretter,that is D's job. He frets, so I get to blissfully dance my way through life knowing its covered.
And yet here I am... fretting, lost in a fretting frenzy, fearfully fretfully fully forging forward to a fretting fiasco! Yes, I know Phil 4:6 ..."don't be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God".
I know it, but though He is a good God, wanting only the best for us, including a hope and a future. I also know that this world is not our home and that we are called to suffering here for the sake of others and our own growth. He doesn't promise a smooth road, but instead equips us for the ride. I know all that and I believe it, I really do. I have even surrendered my life to His plan, painful or not, knowing the time I spend here will be so short and faint in comparision to eternity with my God.
But sometimes I need a reminder. A reminder that He knows what's going on and is "ON IT", taking care, working out all the details.
I received a belated Christmas gift...perfectly timed. It is strategically placed next to the hot and bold that opens my eyes in the morning. And it tells me what I need to know, every day, first thing, reminds me of the truth and does not change with threatening evidence otherwise.
"Good Morning, This is God. I'll be handling all your problems today."
I love it. And as if that wasn't enough, I was granted a moment of dramatic evidence yesterday, that He loves us so, protecting us always and holds our lives in His hands.
We got a call about 11:50am yesterday that our Newlywed son had been in an accident. Someone else calling us, at the scene and describing his car on its side. Telling me he was out of the vehicle wasn't enough for this mama and after practically pulling D down from a ladder he was on and nearly making him run to catch up to the car to get in, we arrived to this scene.
Two fire trucks, Batallion Chief, 3 police cars, ambulance......Both drivers walked away. A few small cuts on his arm and a college boy who felt so bad I needed to mother him just a little too, cars...not so good...but first born son? Gonna be just fine.
"Yes, Lord, I see you, protector, provider, savior" , but sometimes I just need a little reminder.
3 comments:
OH MY GOODNESS!
i'm praying for your family, which i love dearly, so very much especially in this time!
Wow, heavy stuff, Jodi! I feel that same after holiday depression and worry about the future... we'll have to remind each other that it's not at all in our control!
So glad the first born is ok - that picture of his car is crazy!
Love to you and all your fam. :)
Words can't even say how much I understand. I love your raw honesty...my prayers are with all of you. I am praising God for His hand of protection over J and the other driver.
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